The Curse of Flatulence

The Curse of Flatulence

Geoff Hardman

We are a proper family of breeding, taste, and sense

But we have this one affliction: the curse of flatulence

Me mother does the cooking of beans and mushy peas

The gas board wants her secret but can’t agree the fees

CHORUS

A fart, a fart, it soothes the heart, it gives the stomach ease

It warms the bed in winter and suffocates the fleas

When seated round the table and the vapours rise like fog

Dad says “Jesus, what a stink!”, and blames it on the dog

Me uncle Jack, he got the sack; they couldn’t stand the pong

He’s now a lighthouse keeper and farts the whole night long

Me aunty Nell, she farts so well, her raspers just like that

But sad to tell the fumes and smell asphyxiate the cat

Me uncle Angus Fraser, he on the pipes did play

The wind that shakes the barley in the most unusual way

Our neighbour Nathaniel Carter. he is the most musical farter

He can play anything from God Save the Queen to Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata

When I go a-camping, and on the ground I lies

I inflate the sleeping bag to twice its normal size

Me cousin’s got a budgie, its breath is tightly held

It doesn’t flap its wings because the bird is jet-propelled

We are a proper family of breeding, taste, and sense

But we have this one affliction: the curse of flatulence