The Curse of Flatulence
Language: English
The Curse of Flatulence
Geoff Hardman
We are a proper family of breeding, taste, and sense
But we have this one affliction: the curse of flatulence
Me mother does the cooking of beans and mushy peas
The gas board wants her secret but can’t agree the fees
CHORUS
A fart, a fart, it soothes the heart, it gives the stomach ease
It warms the bed in winter and suffocates the fleas
When seated round the table and the vapours rise like fog
Dad says “Jesus, what a stink!”, and blames it on the dog
Me uncle Jack, he got the sack; they couldn’t stand the pong
He’s now a lighthouse keeper and farts the whole night long
Me aunty Nell, she farts so well, her raspers just like that
But sad to tell the fumes and smell asphyxiate the cat
Me uncle Angus Fraser, he on the pipes did play
The wind that shakes the barley in the most unusual way
Our neighbour Nathaniel Carter. he is the most musical farter
He can play anything from God Save the Queen to Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata
When I go a-camping, and on the ground I lies
I inflate the sleeping bag to twice its normal size
Me cousin’s got a budgie, its breath is tightly held
It doesn’t flap its wings because the bird is jet-propelled
We are a proper family of breeding, taste, and sense
But we have this one affliction: the curse of flatulence